Director: Stuart Beattie
Cast: Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy, Yvonne Strahovski
Oh. Wow. Did you watch that trailer? It looks pretty bad. Like, really bad. I, Frankenstein is the big studio offering this weekend and it really lives up to its January release, where bad films go to die. It only gets worse from there.
I thought I had zero interest in watching this film before, then I saw the words “From The Producers Of Underworld” and it was then that I realized I had no interest in even continuing the trailer. But I did, and I regretted it. Five words, one question: FRANKENSTEIN HAS A LIVING GIRLFRIEND? Okay, sure, it’s a movie. But isn’t Frankenstein basically a “human” made up of other dead (then rejuvenated) human body parts? Yuck, no thank you casual necrophilia. That’s only the tip of the iceberg of my worries for this film: crummy special effects, wooden acting, a waste of the great Bill Nighy, clichéd dialog, the list goes on!
Director Stuart Beattie, in his sophomore outing, started his Hollywood screenwriting career off with a bang. That bang was 2004’s Michael Mann-directed Collateral. Collateral was a great film. Since then, Beattie has been a part of some not-so-great ones. He wrote 2007’s 30 Days of Night, 2008’s Australia, and 2009’s G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, not really films that exude masterful screenwriting ability. Since 2004 he hasn’t made anything much worth watching, who think he’s gonna start now? Not me. Not based on that godawful trailer and that recent resumé. Aaron Eckhart is usually good to excellent in the roles he chooses. That doesn’t seem to be the case here. At all. What a big mistake on his part. He’s not compelling in the trailer, and I highly doubt he’ll be compelling in the film.
Well, what’s it about? I’m glad you asked. Get ready for originality! The forces of good and evil clash (once again), blah blah blah, the fate of the world is in the hands of Frankenstein, who is still alive in modern times. BORING BORING STUPID BORING. I would like to refer to my friends Damon Wayans and David Allen Grier for the next portion of the preview:
I hate this film and I haven’t even seen it. This is lazy, uninspired filmmaking. Billy Wilder once said “There are no rules in filmmaking, only sins. And the cardinal sin is dullness.” Lazy, uninspired filmmaking makes dull films. Dull films are the worst of all. I don’t think I have anything nice to say about it. Just please don’t give this film any money. You could literally watch almost any other film in theaters right now that would be more worth your while, and that’s saying a lot.
I haven’t seen I, Frankenstein, but I’ve seen more than enough films like it to know it sucks.