A film such as this one is delicate for many reasons. Toying with what’s regarded as a childhood milestone is no easy feat. It’s also the easiest way to get the attention of an audience in their mid 20’s. When the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trailer first made it’s debut months ago, plenty of us were skeptical. “They better not f*ck this up,” is what plenty of us said. Months later and on the day of it’s release, here we are.

It’s unapologetic, humorless, and relies on the audience to already know the back story of their beloved Turtles. Wouldn’t be a problem for core fans, but isolates the hell out of potentially new ones. One of my first concerns before seeing the film, was that the new  turtles would scare kids away. PG-13 rating aside, Donatello, Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Raphael are all CGI’d to disbelief. These are some scary looking turtles. A far cry from the lovable 90’s creatures. Having a hunch that it would be bad just wasn’t enough. I had to see for myself the direction the film would take. Megan Fox as April O’Neil, isn’t spunky and even lacks the chemistry she should have with her other main characters. Considering that O’Neil is who brings the story together with the dangerous foot clan and Shredder, she portrayed a focal character in the least memorable fashion. A bored Whoopi Goldberg, plays boss to O’Neil, and is forced to fire her after she fails to deliver the “story of a lifetime.” So get this. O’Neil later has a flashback revealing that the Turtles were once her pets, and she rescued them when a fire destroyed her father’s lab…word?

This Michael “I Came to Blow Shit Up” Bay adaptation doesn’t go out if it’s way to reel in audiences by paying homage. Instead, It uses the old name to make new bucks. Wouldn’t be the biggest problem, if it didn’t tangle the story in a way that was unbearable. But this guy sure does have a grip on Box Office intake doesn’t he? There have been complaints about the Transformers films since they started, but the fourth installment just passed a worldwide intake of a Billion dollars. The Ninja Turtles were a big part of my childhood, and this is unfortunate. As a 5 year old kid that used to throw rocks in sewers to get the attention of the Turtles, I can say this one’s a catastrophe. Walking out of the theater and hearing the wave of sighs was enough for me. Seeing the faces of grown men that have given up on the good times was a sad thing to witness, but one thing is for sure. I’d rather watch a Love & Hip Hop marathon with commentary from Lil Scrappy, than sit through another Michael Bay blow up.